Caddie Tales

By David Wood

“There are three things in the world that he held in the smallest esteem – slugs, poets, and caddies with hiccups.”
                        P.G. Wodehouse (from “Rodney fails to qualify” 1924)

Since that black day in 1962 when Merlin L. Halvorson invented the golf cart and golf became more a parade than a brisk walk, caddie ranks have fallen dramatically in the United States. Thankfully, golf courses like the wonderful and brand-new Chambers Bay in Tacoma are instituting a “walking only” policy with caddies to tote your bag. There may be hope for mankind after all! Recently, I set out to play Chambers Bay, the creation of Robert Trent Jones II, with a caddie – Donn Allard – on my bag.

I was once a caddie myself as a teenager, but my first outing didn’t go smoothly. Being a 13-year old golfing Neanderthal, that was my first time on a golf course. My ignorance showed. Having no clue where to stand on the tee-box or how to tend the pin correctly or that you were supposed to replace divots, my golfing man refused to pay me. I can’t say I blamed him – I was awful, but I did become immediately smitten with the game and all its surroundings. After a series of jobs washing dishes and delivering newspapers, being out in the warm sunshine on a beautiful golf course seemed a better way to earn cash. So as not to be stiffed again, I quickly learned the ins and outs of the occupation. Caddying became my summer job through high school and college.

Golf’s version of a “beast of burden” has come a long way as a respectable occupation with Tiger Woods’s caddie – Steve Williams – said to be the one of the highest paid athletes of New Zealand with an annual income in seven figures.  The trade dates back to the 1500s. The first club carriers were the young sons of the French upper crest – called “cadets” – who had come to Edinburgh as pages in the court of Mary Queen of Scots – the first golfer mentioned in history.  The cadets hung around the castle running errands. As Mary loved to hit her featheries out on the nearby links, it became a duty of a cadet to carry her extra clubs.

According to A History of Golf by Robert Browning, the term “caddie” came from the Scottish inability to accurately spell or pronounce “cadet.” Any country that eats haggis (sheep innards wrapped inside a sheep bladder) isn’t going to be too fussy about correct French grammar. “Cadet” morphed by Scottish brogue into “caddie.”

Later on the term “caddie” began to include anyone who loafed around 18th century Edinburgh ready to run errands or do odd jobs. It wasn’t until 1857 that the Dictionary declared the word “caddie” to be mainly used for those carrying clubs. With the use of golf bags starting in the 1800s, the occupation was cemented into the fabric of the sport.

“I was laying ten and had a thirty-five foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder: ‘How does this break?’ and my caddie said, ‘Who cares.’”
            Jack Lemmon

At Chambers Bay, Donn Allard is the perfect guy to usher you around the new Scottish-style golf course. He possesses exactly the right attributes for an outstanding caddie – calm, funny, efficient, and positive. Though we had just met 20 minutes prior, we became friends before we even reached my drive off the 1st tee.  He’s as laid back as Gumby on a morphine drip.

At a youthful appearing 65 years old, there is a glint to Donn’s eye belying a life chockablock with adventures and fun times. An artist and musician with a mane of long white hair escaping from the confines of his white cowboy hat, he looks like either the lead guitarist in Willie Nelson’s band or a golfing Deadhead or both. Now semi-retired, Donn thought he’d caddie a few times a week at Chambers Bay to earn a few extra bucks to support his own golf substantial golf habit. The ancient trade is in good hands with solid folks like Donn.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Worldwide, the use of caddies is thriving. On a recent around-the-world golf trip for my book Around the World in Eighty Rounds I came across some wonderful caddies in Vietnam, China, India, Nepal, and Zimbabwe. However, one caddie stood out. She worked at Chiang Mai’s Lanna Golf Club in northern Thailand.

Her name is Kai and she is twenty-three years old. Though it was over 100 degrees in Chiang Mai during my visit and I was sweating profusely like Don Rickles in front of a tough crowd, she had on the normal Asian caddie attire: turtle-neck sweater, tee-shirt and golf shirt with a caddie bib, two pair of pants, and long gloves that went all the way past her elbows. She looked like a walking yard sale.

To top off her caddie outfit, Kai sported a wide-brimmed pink bonnet along with a towel wrapped around her neck so only the top of her nose and eyes were visible. Most women in that part of the world have an aversion to the sun that makes Dracula look like he’s a lifeguard on Baywatch. Every female caddie I had in Asia wore as many layers as Kai.

“He told me just to keep the ball low.”
 Chi Rodriguez (on the advice his caddie gave him on a crucial putt)

What I loved about Kai, in addition to her just handing me a club of her own choosing without any input from me on every shot I was to play, was how her reactions and caddie duties depended on how well I played. She was tough. Pars or better were met with a full-wattage grin and cleaned clubs. Bogies earned a poker face, and I had to put my putter back in the bag myself. Double-bogies received a look like she just ate some gravel while I performed all of her caddie duties. She angrily walked to the next tee sans golf bag. She was ninety pounds of attitude (even with all those clothes). I have never tried to par golf holes as hard as I did that day. I just wanted to see the grin of my Thai taskmaster.

Although I’m a golfer who loves to walk and carry his own clubs – I do hire a caddie when the opportunity presents itself. Do yourself a favor and splurge for a caddie sometime. It’ll increase your enjoyment of your golfing day plus give somebody the chance to earn a few extra dollars. Besides, the heirs of Merlin L. Halvorson are probably rich enough from golf cart royalties.